My Two Dads: "SoHo's By You"

Season One, Episode Two

Wolverine Dad and Uptight Dad are peering lovingly at their sleeping daughter. Wolverine Dad, with his neatly groomed beard and shag carpet-like chest hair, is grinning wildly. He’s very happy about being a father. So is Uptight Dad. Love is all around.

Is your stomach turning? Well toss back a shot of Pepto-Bismol. We’re watching My Two Dads!


As the saxophone-ridden theme song begins to wail, little Nicole is being led by her two fathers through an animated world that is so 80’s it makes Pac-Man seem contemporary. Neon abounds as the main lyrical content repeats over and over again:

“You can count on me! No matter what you do! You can count on me! No matter where you go! You can count on me!”

We can count on you. Got it. Moving on.

The doorbell rings. Who could it be? Ah, yes. It’s the judge who recently awarded joint custody of Nicole to Wolverine Dad and Uptight Dad. You see, Nicole’s mother passed away without knowing who the bio daddy truly was…hence, multiple fathers. It's very Maury Povich. And if the plot sounds familiar, it should. Throw in a few Abba songs and you’ve got Mamma Mia.

The judge has arrived with a brand new social worker to oversee Nicole’s home life. Immediately, Wolverine Dad emerges from the bathroom…half naked…clad to the navel in acid-washed jeans. Unlike before, however, he’s proudly displaying every last inch of his nappy body hair from the waist up. Something about it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable...in a Dateline predator of the week sort of way.

I must pause to point out that the 80’s were a different time. Manscaping was non-existent. Rather, men seemed to delight in being furrier than the Snuffleupagas. Don’t believe me? Just ask Tom Selleck or Jon Bon Jovi. The woolly mammoth look was trés chic.

It becomes immediately apparent that Wolverine Dad has laid more pipe in town than the New York City sewer department. Because of his previous “relations” with the new social worker, the judge quickly dismisses her from the case. The social worker understands…and then she immediately invites Wolverine Dad over for another booty call.

Uhhhh, and this is supposed to be a show for kids?

Uptight Dad enters, spewing more anxieties than Woody Allen during that ugly Soon-Yi fiasco. He doesn’t enjoy commuting to Wolverine Dad’s artsy-fartsy loft every day. He suggests that Nicole move with him into his fancy-schmancy downtown high-rise.

What’s a girl to do?

Fast forward to Uptight Dad giving Nicole a tour of HIS place. The problem is that the design of his apartment is so cheap and shoddy that it’s obviously a very temporary set. Consider for a moment:

Uptight Dad's bare-bones, poorly-lit nook:

Wolverine Dad's expansive, swingin' pad:

Where do YOU think all three seasons are going to take place? It’s a no-brainer. The next ten minutes of arguing and tug-of-war have just been rendered totally pointless.

Fast forward to a parental meeting at Nicole’s school. She carefully and skillfully explains to her daddy duo why she doesn’t want to be split between two different homes. Her speech is poised and mature and confident. Considering the fact that her mother just kicked the bucket, Nicole is incredibly well-adjusted. My sister cried for an entire week just because she lost her retainer…but never mind.

Several extended arguments and melodramatic speeches later...and SURPRISE...Nicole gets to live in the neon-encrusted artsy-fartsy loft after all! And Uptight Dad is going to join ‘em, which should provide him with plenty of fodder for comedic tirades over the next sixty episodes.

The cherry on top of the cake is that the judge, due to Wolverine Dad being a complete man-whore, is going to personally oversee Nicole’s new parental situation. And why shouldn't she? It's not as if she has a whole courtroom full of child welfare cases to attend to. Pish. That can wait. This particular trio is clearly worth obsessing over.

Additionally, in an effort to be even closer to the gang, the judge bought the building they're now living in. Wolverine Dad and Uptight Dad are going to have to suffer her stalker-like interruptions gladly...morning, noon and night.

The whole situation seems tiresomely co-dependent...almost in a Fatal Attraction sort of way, except without Glenn Close and that horrific bathtub scene. Fun-loving Wolverine Dad looks particularly depressed. The ancient, disapproving judge is totally going to cut down on his womanizing and bedroom escapades.

If that isn't a buzz kill, I don't know what is.

That’s a wrap!