Blossom: "Blossom Blossoms"

Season One, Episode One

I have a very serious question to ask you. Stop smirking, please. This is no joke. Have you ever experienced that not-so-fresh feeling? YOU HAVE? Well today you’re in luck because we're about to watch a very special episode of Blossom!

A word to the wise: if excessive talk about tampons makes you feel all funny and squishy inside, DON'T PROCEED. This episode is loaded with boxes and boxes of 'em.

Are you wearing your obnoxious floral hat? Good. Because the opening song is about to kick into high gear!

Blossom's theme is beyond cheerful. It's bright. It's bubbly. It's irritatingly upbeat. And God help me, I love it. As the credits begin to roll, little Blossom is leaping and spinning all around her bedroom like a Whirling Dervish. Honestly, she seems to be working up quite a sweat. I can practically smell the Teen Spirit radiating from her pores. Her infectious energy is making me want to grab the nearest oversized beige sweater and join in.

In the very first scene, Blossom, played by the oh-so distinctive Mayim Bialik, is at the drug store on a very serious mission. You see, Blossom has blossomed. And now she's in dire need of some emergency feminine hygiene products.

Please note that this scene provides a very generous indicator that if you have testicles, this show probably isn't for you.

Blossom swiftly tosses a big ol' box of Super Absorbant Tampex into her cart and makes a direct beeline for the check-out counter. Little does she know, sheer horror awaits her on the other side of the cash register. The store clerk happens to be none other than GIOVANNI RIBISI! How will Blossom ever manage to survive this embarassment? I’m guessing she’ll run home and fire off a letter to the editor of YM magazine...and odds are very good that they'll award her personal tampon tragedy four stars on the "I Want To Die" meter.

At this moment in the proceedings, I must point out that little Mayim Bialik is a real charmer. She’s perky and peppy and beaming with sunshine. This simple observation leads me to believe that Mayim must have been a complete bitch in real life. Are you with me on that?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Later that day, Blossom is chillin’ upstairs with her BFF, Six. The two of them are chattering away about the many varieties of sanitary napkins available in the marketplace. They're also lamenting their newly arrived menstrual cycles. Ya know...the usual girl talk. Blossom, seeming very distressed, clearly isn't coping well with the recent arrival of Aunt Flo.

Maybe I’m lacking compassion here, but I think little Blossom needs to buck up about her newfound womanhood. Sure, she’s surfing the crimson wave…but she can still hike, swim and even horseback ride! See? It’s not so bad.

Meanwhile, Blossom’s brothers are downstairs making an amatuer horror movie. Anthony is an ex-drug addict. And Joey is stupid. TAH-DAH! That's pretty much all you need to know about these boys. Their characters are as thin as Lindsay Lohan after a week-long crack binge.

Hold your horses! Look who's home! It's Blossom's recently divorced dad! Isn’t he hip? Isn’t he cool? He certainly doesn’t remind me of my father. He's a musician...and he has a teeny-tiny diamond stud in his ear to prove it. With looks and charm like that, Blossom's dad must be a real player. Too bad his entire facade is blown by the mom jeans that are hugging his ass from here to high heaven.

And now ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for Blossom’s fantasy dream sequence. Hot diggety! Who do you suppose little hormonal Blossom is fantasizing about whilst she slumbers? Luke Perry, perhaps? Or maybe those fun-lovin' New Kids on the Block? No siree. Blossom is dreaming about Phylicia Rashad. Yes, you heard me correctly. Phylicia Rashad. Much to Blossom's glee, Phylicia is waxing poetic about the joys of menstruation. She's even using an oversized bag of icing to create an edible visual aid depicting two ovaries on top of a giant sheet cake. It’s quite unsettling, actually. And it’s causing my testosterone level to plummet to zero.

Eventually, Blossom returns to planet earth and proclaims her newfound womanhood to her family. In return, her scrumtrelescent dad organizes a big group outing to celebrate this special moment in their lives. Blossom even guilts her poor father into giving her a whiz-bang new hairsyle to mark the occasion. It’s emasculating, yes...but that should come as no surprise to any sane member of the viewing audience.

And that’s it, kids. The Russo family is headin' out for Chinese food, and the rest of us are left to ponder the very special episode that we endured. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that I just grew a tiny ovary of my very own.

As Joey would say, “WOAH!”

That's a wrap!