Full House: "Our Very First Show"

Season One, Episode One

This is it, people. I'm about to embark on a journey through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sitcoms. We love them. We hate them. And we love to hate them. I am going to watch a variety of classic sitcom treasures and then report my findings back to all of you wonderful people out there in the dark.

And what better show to begin with than Full House?! Danny Tanner, Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey and those damned Olsen Twins. I spent many hours with the Tanner clan as a youth in the 80's and 90's. It makes the mind reel, actually. And now it's time to resurrect their ghosts from the bowels of my adolescent mind.

Ready? Let's do this thing.

The TV theme song is a lost art. And I'll admit it, Full House has a pretty darn good one. It's catchy. It's spirited. It's LONG. And it features a really bad rear-view Bob Sagat stand-in fishing at the pier. Watch for yourself. That's not the Danny Tanner you know and love. It's a failed look-alike wearing ill-fitting, up-the-butt pants.

As the episode begins, Danny is giving his mother the boot. Ever since his wife died, Danny's mom has been helping him raise his dainty trio of daughters...DJ, Stephanie and Michelle. But now, for the sake of comedy, poor mom is being replaced by a couple of younger, hipper models...specifically, a rocker dude with a leather fetish and a funny guy that isn't very funny.

Studly Jesse is moving into Stephanie's former room and comedian-at-large Joey Gladstone is moving into...the alcove? Oh, poor Joey. Maybe if he was HOT like Uncle Jesse, he'd get a room of his own, too. Jesse clearly needs a secluded space so he can get his freak on with lots of hot babes. Joey...doesn't.

Now that DJ and Stephanie are new roomies, they're doing the classic sit-com "dividing the room in half" thing. I love these tried and true devices. You go, DJ! Mark your territory! Stake your claim! You know that Stephanie can't wait to get her grubby little hands all over your Paula Abdul poster and your Rave hairspray.

Speaking of tried and true (code for tired and stale) Jesse and Joey are about to change Michelle's loaded diaper. Let the hijinks begin! I predict a HILARIOUS moment where they overreact to the noxious odor of an Olsen twin Hershey squirt. Yup, there it is! And now that poor baby is being wrapped in paper towels. This is some good shit. Literally. They ought to take another look inside that discarded diaper, because I'm pretty sure Mary-Kate is pooing gold.

Danny is home from work. And DJ, frustrated by the newly cramped living conditions, has run away. Oh, but she hasn't gone far...which is lucky for us because we only have a few minutes left to wrap this mutha up. She has moved all of her personal belongings into the garage...including...her phone? Wow. Maybe I can get little eleven-year-old DJ to come over and install my new DSL.

And now...wait for it...wait for it...it's time for the heart-to-heart scene. Cue the soft, tender music. Here comes the big, emotional dialogue between father and daughter. DJ needn't feel bad. Mom has gone toe-up and has been instantly replaced by a couple of slacker uncles...but they're still a family. And they must stick together. Awwww! Little DJ is going to move back into that crowded house. Thank God. The garage set isn't pretty.

For the grand finale, the cast is gathering 'round cute little Michelle's crib for a good ol' family song-fest! And what's their song of choice? The Flintstones theme. What the? Yes. It's happening. It's actually happening. Welcome to Randomville. Population: 6. We're off to a peculiar beginning, folks. Roll the damn credits.

That's a wrap!