During our formative years, my sisters and I had unlimited access when it came to our television viewing. Our parents set no boundaries, which probably seemed perfectly safe and acceptable back when we only had a dozen channels to choose from.
But then one day, a miracle occurred. A magical device called a cable box arrived, and our options suddenly skyrocketed from a handful of networks to hundreds of them. Using my kid radar, I quickly found the family-friendly bounty that Nickelodeon had to offer...back when it was GOOD, with shows like You Can't Do That On Television and Double Dare.
And then there were those other channels...the ones with slightly more adult themes. In particular, HBO provided quite an education when it came to four letter words and female anatomy. I'll never forget landing on the cult 80's skin-flick Hardbodies and learning a thing or two.
And my parents? They were nowhere to be found.
Despite our seemingly limitless boob-tube boundaries, there was a fine line drawn when it came to one specific program. The Golden Girls was a show that was strictly off limits. I was told that the main characters were "dirty old ladies" and that I wasn't allowed to even think of watching their deviant antics.
The sexiest character of them all was undoubtedly Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux. (Yes, that's right...her initials spelled BED.) She was the original southern cougar. And it's in her titillating honor that I proudly present some of her most notorious 80's fashion faux pas moments.
And then there were those other channels...the ones with slightly more adult themes. In particular, HBO provided quite an education when it came to four letter words and female anatomy. I'll never forget landing on the cult 80's skin-flick Hardbodies and learning a thing or two.
And my parents? They were nowhere to be found.
Despite our seemingly limitless boob-tube boundaries, there was a fine line drawn when it came to one specific program. The Golden Girls was a show that was strictly off limits. I was told that the main characters were "dirty old ladies" and that I wasn't allowed to even think of watching their deviant antics.
The sexiest character of them all was undoubtedly Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux. (Yes, that's right...her initials spelled BED.) She was the original southern cougar. And it's in her titillating honor that I proudly present some of her most notorious 80's fashion faux pas moments.
Who said that the over sixty set shouldn't wear something naughty in the boudoir? Blanche knew that nothing lured men into her bedroom faster than libidinous lingerie. But instead of taking the obvious "less is more" route with her nighties, Blanche occasionally opted to go for the pioneer woman look:
And on those chilly Miami nights, Blanche would add a bit of shabby chic flair to her bedroom attire by sporting a vomitrocious, muumuu-like robe paired with a bulky, colorless thrift store scarf. Most people think Kurt Cobain introduced the grunge look to America, but Blanche was obviously one step ahead of him:
In the 80's, jazzercise and Jane Fonda's low-impact aerobics were very popular with the seniors. Blanche kept her cottage cheese ass in check while attempting to remain fashion-forward. She knew that nothing complimented a leotard and tights better than a sunshine yellow blouse cinched soundly at the naval:
For a swank evening out on the prowl, Blanche sometimes ended up looking startlingly like Shrek's lumpy, lumbering grandmother. In those instances, she was clever enough to grab the nearest old lady and use her as camouflage:
As most fashion-minded individuals do, Blanche occasionally looked to others for guidance. In this particular ensemble, she used Tweety Bird and the head quarterback of the Miami Dolphins as inspiration:
Sometimes, however, enormous shoulder pads and head-to-toe lemon yellow threads would make way for other sassy evening trends. Blanche was clearly not afraid of cowboy couture. Fringe was not to be feared:
When all else failed, Blanche would truck on down to K-Mart and load up on "blue light special" chiffon scarves. Dorothy and Rose were incapable of competing with Blanche's layered look:
Finally, showing off a bit of geriatric cleavage was Blanche's fool-proof way of rescuing any age inappropriate fashion disaster. When you've got it, flaunt it:
And there you have it, kids! What was learned from this provocative journey through Blanche's tawdry 80's couture? Clearly, more is more. Shoulder pads are always a good idea. Sixty is sexy. And you're never too old to be young.
Right Blanche?
And on those chilly Miami nights, Blanche would add a bit of shabby chic flair to her bedroom attire by sporting a vomitrocious, muumuu-like robe paired with a bulky, colorless thrift store scarf. Most people think Kurt Cobain introduced the grunge look to America, but Blanche was obviously one step ahead of him:
In the 80's, jazzercise and Jane Fonda's low-impact aerobics were very popular with the seniors. Blanche kept her cottage cheese ass in check while attempting to remain fashion-forward. She knew that nothing complimented a leotard and tights better than a sunshine yellow blouse cinched soundly at the naval:
For a swank evening out on the prowl, Blanche sometimes ended up looking startlingly like Shrek's lumpy, lumbering grandmother. In those instances, she was clever enough to grab the nearest old lady and use her as camouflage:
As most fashion-minded individuals do, Blanche occasionally looked to others for guidance. In this particular ensemble, she used Tweety Bird and the head quarterback of the Miami Dolphins as inspiration:
Sometimes, however, enormous shoulder pads and head-to-toe lemon yellow threads would make way for other sassy evening trends. Blanche was clearly not afraid of cowboy couture. Fringe was not to be feared:
When all else failed, Blanche would truck on down to K-Mart and load up on "blue light special" chiffon scarves. Dorothy and Rose were incapable of competing with Blanche's layered look:
Finally, showing off a bit of geriatric cleavage was Blanche's fool-proof way of rescuing any age inappropriate fashion disaster. When you've got it, flaunt it:
And there you have it, kids! What was learned from this provocative journey through Blanche's tawdry 80's couture? Clearly, more is more. Shoulder pads are always a good idea. Sixty is sexy. And you're never too old to be young.
Right Blanche?
That's a wrap!
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